Sunday, July 26, 2009

Well, Cody (and I) had to go down to Apple today, on one of this days off, and demand that the managers make the calls to the other stores they were supposed to have made a LONG time ago. Guess what. Nothing available now except one part-time Specialist (i.e. salesperson) position, which won't make even a quarter of the rent, nor is it enough hours for insurance anyway. So there will be no insurance as of nine days from now. And we're no closer to figuring out what to do.

Have I said FUCK YOU to Apple yet?

Anyway, our options:

So I can deny Cody as the father and apply for Medi-Cal with only my income taken into account, which should make me qualify, I think, but if there are complications with delivery, he'll have no rights. Since he won't have rights right away, if something happened to me, custody would default to my mother an her family, or to the state. My mother's relatives would turn her into a whore for the welfare they'd get for her kids. They're like that. I don't think Medi-Cal applications would be sent from one county to another, right?

Waiting to go into labor with no more prenatal care and being at their mercy would likely kill me. The back-labor position, otherwise known as lithotomy, carries so many risk for a regular-risk mother (what do you think the leading cause of the common preineal tearing is?), and perineal tearing would destroy my j-pouch, which isn't repairable, and would kill me, and if I got them to finally do a c-section after this (I've never heard of an ER doctor going right to a c-section because a mother demanded it), then there are the risk that a doctr who knows NOTHING about me cutting into my intestine. It's gray rather than the usual pink, and so full of scar tissue, also grey, that it would take a GI specialistist to even try to tell the difference (with Stanford, a full team was going to be present to lessen the risk of cutting to my intestine), and cutting into the wrong thing would also kill me. I can't be repaired anymore.

So going the ER-route is out.

An unassisted home birth is another option. But I've never delivered human babies. I've delivered baby animals many times in my life, and there have been minor complications a couple times I was able to head off and keep anything from becoming an issue. Human babies...are different. Plus delivering on myself, where I wouldn't be in a position to do anything should something go wrong, wouldn't be good. Between ER and this, this is the option.

If we could afford a midwife, that would be excellent. The lowest cost we've found is $4,500 with paymet due by the time of delivery. This is more money than we can come up with. So no midwife for us. So this isn't an option.

The last is our least-desired option, but would be the safest. And that would be adoption. How on earth can adoption be safest? Well, the adoptive couple would be responsible for medical bills. So I would have the lowest chance of dying, and Charlotte would have the lowest chance of anything happening to her by something happening to me. I don't know though if I could let someone take my baby from me without me trying to kill them.

I'll bet the schadenfreude-freaks who stalk me are needing new underwear right now, enjoying the pain and sadness I'm going through, and you people are sick. Go tell your parents and families and all your friends how fummy you think this is, and I'll bet they'll look at you like you are pond scum. But you don't have the guts to be your cruel, fuckwad internet selves in real life, and you're lying if you claim otherwise.

I'm within the legal timeframe still for abortion. I've been told I'd feel different about abortion if I was ever in the position of my life being threatened. Well, I'm in that position, and guess what. Abortion is still wrong. This baby responds to different things. I drink something cold, or smack my belly to wake her up or try to get her to move, and she moves. How the hell am I supposed to believe she wouldn't feel her own death by dismemberment? I'm not going to rip her apart to save my own life anymore than I'd throw an infant to a pit bull to be torn apart for my life.

But maybe if I'm lucky and show up at Planned Parenthood crying, they'll help. I've supported that place financialy when I've been able, even if they're disgusting for killing babies. I've given them money for the babies they actually help.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Incredible stress

Well, we went from thinking we had plans all laid out to finding out Apple's management are a bunch of heartless fucking assholes who have been lying for a long time. All this time they were supposedly working on Cody's transfer, they have done...nothing. Because he has to apply via an internal system to other locations. Only...they didn't tell him this until yesterday Every day he's been asking what's happening with the transfer, what's happening, and every day he's been told they're woking on it and will let him know when they know something, they'll let him know.... Yeah. Thing is, they knew about having to apply at other locations and withheld this information from him. So now, with two weeks left to go to the move, he doesn't actually have a job. No job means no benefits (e.g. insurance). No insurance means no more doctors for me and a very dangerous delivery either at home or with strangers I've never met.

Staying here isn't a option. Our apartment has been re-rented for a week after we're supposed to vacate. So someone else is already moving in soon after we leave. We'd have no where to live here. Rent has skyrcketed in this area since we moved here in November, so we couldn't afford anywhere with a lease signed in summer.

But if we move, then we're probably not going to have insurance. The locations his mangers were supposed to be working no transerring him have no openings on two week's notice. He can get a job with his former employer, but...you know, there's a wait for insurance. I'm expected to deliver right around the date that wait period is over (which is sooner than my due date), which does nothing for being able to see a doctor in the meantime.

And let's add salt to this - IF he can find a store with an opening, which he did 60 miles away, he has to apply and then have the same managers who've fucked us over fill out some paperwork. We can't exactly trust them to do that. We suspect the reason they've been lying to him is they already have three Genius positions to fill, what with another Genius having given her outright resignation. Since they KNOW I'm such high risk, they have all the leverage right now and know if we leave and he has to leave Apple that it means no insurance. And to think, Apple's supposed to be a family-oriented company. What-the-fuck-ever.

So do we stay in this area and have insurance but no place to live, or move and have no insurance but have a place to live? If we have no place to live, the hospital can't release the baby, but at least the delivery will be safer. Too bad we won't get to have our own child, but rather she'd go ino foster care. Or if we move and have no insurance, then either I wait until ntural labor and go to the ER and hope a doctor whose never met me will trust my extensive medical history and not make me labor on my back, or attempt an unassisted home birth. None of these options are good options.

Medi-Cal (this state's Medicaid) says that because the father is known, his income will be taken into account. Since his income is more than $2,282 per month, I don't qualify. This guideline has a major flaw. It's at the federal level, and in come areas of this country, you can live royally on that much money. In many areas of California, including where we live and where we'd been planning to move, the cost of rent isn't much less than this. To pay the rent on our current 1br unit, this much has to be made pre-tax to cover the rent. This amount of money is actually twice the national povertly limit, which is what California allows a pregnant woman's household income to be. And it would be fraud to deny knowing who the father is or that we live together.

Since I have pre-existing medical, the one private plan we found that would cover me and has maternity coverage is about $1,500 per month. This is FAR more than we can afford. So private coverage is out.

Private coverage is out, and I don't qualify for Medi-Cal. Since Apple's lied to him for several weeks, he has no job with them lined up, so no insurance through them after the 4th.

I think we're still going to move. We have to have a roof over our heads. No roof means Charlotte will go to foster care, and I would probably go to jail for killing whoever tried pulling her away to give to someone else. I know the risks are higher by trying a home birth, but I can't chance a hospital making me labor on my back before a stranger cuts into my and has to separate my intestine when it and all the scar tissue look the same. Separation is the major risk in a c-section for me. There's a good chance that my intestine will be cut apart instead. If I labor upright versus on my back, then some of the pressure is alleviated from my j-pouch whereas a back-labor, the standard type, would have all the pressure directly down on my j-pouch.

And let's add to this some more, shall we? The stress has caused my seizures to come back. The medication I used to take, Tegretol (generic name carbamazepine) is a caterogy D drug for pregnancy, the second-worst. What this means is that it's shown to cause birth defects, but the benefits to the mother's life may outweigh the risks. Only the ominous category X be worse. My seizures are NOT life-threatening (except for the one time I did stop breathing). Thankfully they're not grand mals. But no medication for me. It's hard enough getting me to take Tylenol even not pregnant. So there's no way I'm going to take medication for something that, in the scheme of things, is "just" an inconvenience at the rik of our baby.

We probably won't get to move to the city we wanted to move to. For a recap of sorts, this is where we live now: Current place This is where we were going to move: New place And this is where we may move: Possible new place Despite the small cost difference between the two "new" places and being in a town we originally didn't want to move to and the "possible" place not having a garage, there are some positives, such as over a hundred more square feet, and it near some very large open fields (the girls would LOVE getting to place in such a large area supervised of course, though I think our big cat, Ollie, might have to get used to being inside at night rather than getting to come and go as he pleases). Both have in-unit washers and dryers, though the "possible" one has 1 1/2 bathrooms instead of 2, and a smaller kitchen. The first one has central air conditioning, but the second doesn't. The second would be 20 miles off that 60-mile commute.

Yes, I am holding Apple responsible. He's stressed to them that I'm high-risk, and that the doctor is worried about whether or not I'll live. They've told him THEY are working on the transfer, and THEY withheld the information that he has to actually apply at other locations, which they didn't tel him until about 5pm yesterday. His managers are hand-picked by corporate. This is the "pet" location of Apple's big-wigs are this location is supposed to be the example for other stores, and so are held tighter to corporate standards than other companies. And still they are doing this. Cody's trying to go around the local managers and their stupid internal system to contact locations directly and see what he can do. His managers here can all go die in fires or something for all I care.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

20 weeks pregnant - halfway there!!

Well, for some reason the site page with the baby sizes by fruit isn't coming up. If you click this link and then the one on the left that says How Big is Baby?, it comes up with a "page not found" error.

I didn't get a pregnancy picture last week, but this one is from this past Wednesday, at the 20-week mark:


I was 138.2, which is 23.2 pounds than I was last summer. Yikes!

In three weeks, at this moment, we will be in our new apartment. I can't wait, but am not looking forward to the packing. Ugh!

All my time lately has been spent either sick or at the theater. One more week until opening night!

Also I am supremely annoyed that I can't access any of my e-mail accounts but one. My main accounts won't let me in. When I try to reset the passwords, they say my info isn't correct. This doesn't make me happy. The e-mail address my personal friends have is the one that isn't public anywhere and is the one that works, so I get the feeling whoever is in my publicly-posted e-mail accounts is from one specific group of people.

And if a comment posted to this blog is nice and sane, it'll be posted. If it's a stupid comment and you're being a idiot (you know who you people are), then it probably won't be unless it's to laugh at you. Seriously, if you're spending time coming to my blog to snark me, you need a life and possibly therapy. Not to mention it's pretty wussy and cowardly to not even own up to your words and identify yourselves.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Sick sick sick

What on earth was that about, you ask? Well, I ate some donuts and milk, then suddenly began having incredible stomach pains (stomach-stomach, not general stomach area) that can only be compared to the time in 2007 when I got food poisoning TWICE in ten days. O...M...F...G. Have you ANY idea how bad that hurts, especially the second time? It hurt almost as bad as when I had the hole in my intestine and oh-so-fun intestinal acid draining onto the outside of my organs. The second time I thought I was going to die again (been dead thrice and brought back - I'm immortal, I think), and wished so hard I'd just die already.

Anyway the stomach pain was like that almost. Twisting, sharp, KILL ME NOW pain. And then a couple violent trips to the bathroom, and I feel a little more human now, though still hurting a bit. My eyeballs feel dry and like they're shriveling in their sockets. I don't want my denim-blues to become prunes. Oh, and my head hurts. And for some odd reason, my heels. I was looking forward to gong to the theater today to finish up the showgirl hats (if you're familiar with The Producers, it's the girls in the "I Wanna Be a Producer" scene, starting at 2:20 here:



[Wexford production, not the original], only ours are red and black). Sooooo looking forward to it that I had a hard time sleeping last night despite getting home late and being tired.

So instead of getting to spend the day working on showgirl hats and the usherettes (the first six girls here:



from the same Wexford production), I'm spending it on the couch miserable.

Monday, July 13, 2009

The heat today had me horribly sick all day, feeling feverish, sluggish, and throwing up everything I ate. It's been horrible. Our living room has vaulted ceilings with a very large window up near a peek. This is exactly the side where the sun beats in. It's too high to cover and doesn't open, so it becomes like an oven in here. This makes the third day now that I've been sick from the heat.

Getting away from this is just one of the many reasons I can't wait to move!

We got the moving truck rented today, a 26'-UHaul.

In a month we'll be out of here, and I can't wait. I'll have a dedicated sewing room again, and we'll get to start setting up the nursery! Not to mention be close to family.

There's still so much to do though. There's a good week of packing to do, and I still need to get an appointment with a new doctor set up. Cody needs to find out which location he'll be working at. We need to recruit loading help for here. I think we've got unloaders set already.

With some luck, we'll stay put for about a year and a half or two years, and then go to Pennsylvania. For less than what we've paid in rent since Cody's been in the Bay Area, we can BUY a place IN FULL in some areas, and we don't want to live in a city, so it'd be perfect. The thought of living in a paid-in-full home with the few bills we have now (car's paid in full, no credit cards, so our bills are very few) is a dizzyingly wonderful thing.

Car seats

Communities I'm in have had a lot of talk about car seats lately, and it's concerning to me that so many people think that a convertible car seat meant to safely hold a 50-pound child will safely hold a 6-pound newborn as long as the baby looks secure, making an infant-specific seat a waste of money. LOOKING secure and BEING secure are two very different things.

Right now carseats in the US must only pass a straight (head-on) bench-seat test going 30MPH, and when the NHTSA did additional testing that doesn't count toward the pass/fail rating (side impacts), many more sears failed. But as side impact has no bearing on whether or not a seat passes, many seats pass that really shouldn't. Most crashes in this country are side impacts.

The U.S.'s safety requirement for car seats is one of the lowest in the world and simply received a pass/fail rating. That's all. There is a more stringent rating system in place for ease of use for car seats than there is for how likely a seat is to save a life in a crash. When the NHTSA did that additional testing, the government defined those failed tests as "research", which is why the 31 seats out of 66 used in that test that failed still have a pass rating.

A front-end crash will result in most seats protecting an infant's head, though the sled benches used can't take into account what happens when a baby seat hits the front seat because there IS no front seat. But a side impact is a drastically different type of accident. There is far more room in that convertible seat for an infant's head to snap sideways, and toweling and whatnot that a lot of parents thing looks more comfortable and is secure enough because it looks secure isn't going to absorb the impact.

It just makes no sense why, when so much can already go wrong in a crash, so many parents still insist on buying a seat that is too big and "making" it work with pads and towels. No one's going to buy a 2-year-old toddler shoes meant to be still be worn when he's 4 because that much extra room will make him likely to fall and hurt himself, yet so many parents don't think twice about buying a newborn a car seat meant to be used at 4 years old when life and death is involved.

With life and death matters, when only a pass or fail is given, when the testing methods used don't simulate a real life accident, why take a chance? "All seats have to pass a test" really means jack shit when the test is so lax and doesn't simulate real life.

Well, someone else's baby can be the one with the higher chance at death. Saving a couple hundred bucks isn't worth the increased chance of our own baby dying in an accident. We value our baby's life a good deal more than a couple hundred dollars.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Friday, July 10, 2009

Differing thoughts

First thing first. The second will get its own post.

If you don't like what I have to say in my own blog, then don't come here. Easy as that. Don't bitch that I'm posting things you don't agree with here. I've had I think four people today alone tell me I'm "mean" and such for posting that I don't agree with something they all think is okay (gender selection for the hell of it, not even to try avoiding a disease that only passes to one gender, but just because one sounds more fun or something). I also believe that abortion is appalling, especially third trimester abortion. Furthermore I don't believe I god and believe the bible is a load of bunk. Have problems with this? Well, it's easy to not come to my blog. Simply...don't come here.

This is the adult world, and in the adult world, people have different beliefs and opinions. It's very childish to expect everyone to either agree with you or to not state anywhere their beliefs that aren't the same as yours. No one person is the center of the world, and it's selfish to expect others to shut up if they don't agree with you. Is this the expected outcome of protecting the fragile lil' egos of kids? They grow up to not know how to handle others not agreeing with them, so freak out and complain, "You're mean for saying something I don't agree with in your blog!" You know what? Grow up. This wouldn't be an issue at all if you could respect my right to believe and think what I do and not expect me to keep to hush-hush the way I respect your right to believe and think what you do and to not keep quiet. It's called being an adult.

I have three people I consider to be my closest friends, and between them, we have drastically different beliefs on things such as abortion, gay rights, the death penalty, the war in Iraq, who should have won the presidency, and religion. Not a single one of them shares more than half of the same beliefs as me. In fact, I think only one of them shares even three of the same stances as I do. We are each incredibly firm in our stances. But we're such good friends anyway because we RESPECT each other's rights to think and say what we believe, and we don't bother discussing a topic we know we can't change the other's view on. This is the adult thing to do.

And anyway, if one person should shut up, why should it be me instead of you? Because you don't want to? There's nothing so special about you that gives you the right to talk instead of me. There's nothing so special about me that gives me the right instead of you. We are in America, and we have the SAME right to say what we think and believe. So if you want me to give up my right, then you better be willing to give up yours. If you're not willing to, then you're selfish for demanding I do it. Part of being an adult is being able to handle dissenting thoughts and beliefs and to either be able to discuss them or decide it's not worth it and to walk away from the conversation. That's easy too. Simply don't say anything. An argument can't go on if only one person's talking, you know.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Oh, grow up

Complain about what is quoted in my blog from publicly-viewable sources and I'll just link directly to it instead of quoting and altering usernames for a little privacy and not quoting. See, I believe in the Constitution of this country, and that included the first amendment as well as others ensuring that the first amendment isn't abused (slander/libel, yelling Fire in a crowded building, etc.), and if what I'm quoting from a public source is relevant to what I am saying, then what's the problem? Don't say something publicly that you wouldn't want quoted. Oh well, I guess I'll just link instead of quoting, and one's words will be linked directly to them rather than to an altered username. (Also Wordpress has NO problem with quoting from public sources - it's not illegal activity.)

Something I'm seeing more and more, in even just the last couple weeks, people who with to stifle the rights of others for their personal convenience. Well, if our leaders decided withhold rights, citizens freak, such as happened wen Bush suspended habeas corpus. It's sad to think of my child being raised to bend over backward and walk away from Constitution rights because one person says so. We have Constitutional rights so we have some freedom in this country. If you value people having no rights, move to China.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Now going into the 20th week!

At the end of this week, I'll be at the halfway point! Well, halfway for people who get to go through full term and are lucky enough to have a natural childbirth rather than having to have a c-section a couple weeks before that. C-section I do not want. Healthy baby and to live through delivery okay I do.

The baby thumps are both fun and nauseating. Night before last I felt a bump from the outside of my abdomen! It's weird to look down at my still relatively-flat tummy and to think that there's a baby that's somewhere around 6" crown to rump in their. It's also a creepy thought in a way. There's a human being inside of me! Creepy as well as cool. As long as it doesn't start drawing shapes through my abdominal wall before bursting out like that one movie with the alien coming out of some lady.

Cody's been reading the What To Expect e-mail newsletters (yes, he reads these things as just one of his ways to be involved and keep up with what's going on, which I appreciate so much), and the development newsletter on Monday showed what a baby at this stage looks like, and he said to me, "It looks like a human now!" It's so sweet what he does - he often has his hand on my tummy to be closer to the baby, and is reading Hitchhiker's Guide to the baby (and me). Who knows how much, if anything, the baby can detect, but the love radiating from him to the baby sure matters. Possibly the baby can hear his voice when reading, so hopefully the baby will get the chance to learn his voice to pick him out later.



Baby's digestive system is busy creating meconium (a tarry black substance made of swallowed amniotic fluid, digestive secretion and dead cells), which will fill the first diaper after birth. And, speaking of the diaper situation... baby's genitals are now fully formed!

Friday, July 3, 2009

Stupidity on Craigslist

I found this ad on Craigslist:
Hi I have a clearblue fertility monitor and a box of 19 test sticks and a brand new box that has 30 in it I am asking best offer for all of it I will not separate I no longer need it because well I am pregnant and due in December I have to say that this monitor does work but it did take me 3 months to become pregnant (if you read about the monitor others had the same problem ) . I bought this brand new off amazon it took me 3 months to become pregnant and I havent used it for 3 months so its about 6 months old there is nothing wrong with it at all .Please email ms_[impatient]@yahoo.com if you have any questions or want to offer me a price

OR I am willing to trade for anything to do with a baby ( maybe this is your second time trying for a baby and you want to plan it )(clothes ,toys etc. )

The highlighting it mine (and I changed part of the e-mail address). Since when is taking just three months to get pregnant a "problem"? Seriously, she thinks it is a problem? Though most people see a doctor after one year, taking up to TWO full years to conceive is completely normal.

Also, sewing curtains to put above a cradle from Ikea doesn't make that cradle "one of a kind." That anyone would think so is kind of clueless. Oh, but the "one of a kind" factor did result in the seller asking for more than the cradle would cost new.

Craigslist is funny to read sometimes.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

18 weeks pregnant and NEWS!

136 pounds this morning. I haven't weighed this much since spring of last year. I both feel fat but also am excited that it means baby, and I know I can get the weight off in no time afterward.



Also, the news! At 12:28 this afternoon, I felt what I think was the baby! About 4" up from the bottom of my pubic bone and an inch to my right was where I felt a tickling feeling inside that didn't feel like intestinal grumbling. It happened again this afternoon when I was driving and had Ozzy blaring on the radio.

Also, that's Luthien to the left, and Emma to the right. Yeah, mama-dog is noticeably smaller than her baby.

Going into week 19!



Vernix caseosa, a greasy white substance made of lanugo, oil and dead skin cells (yum) now coats baby's skin, shielding it from the amniotic fluid. (Picture yourself after a nine-month bath, and the need for protection makes sense.) You might actually get to see the vernix at birth, especially if baby is premature.