Sunday, July 26, 2009

Well, Cody (and I) had to go down to Apple today, on one of this days off, and demand that the managers make the calls to the other stores they were supposed to have made a LONG time ago. Guess what. Nothing available now except one part-time Specialist (i.e. salesperson) position, which won't make even a quarter of the rent, nor is it enough hours for insurance anyway. So there will be no insurance as of nine days from now. And we're no closer to figuring out what to do.

Have I said FUCK YOU to Apple yet?

Anyway, our options:

So I can deny Cody as the father and apply for Medi-Cal with only my income taken into account, which should make me qualify, I think, but if there are complications with delivery, he'll have no rights. Since he won't have rights right away, if something happened to me, custody would default to my mother an her family, or to the state. My mother's relatives would turn her into a whore for the welfare they'd get for her kids. They're like that. I don't think Medi-Cal applications would be sent from one county to another, right?

Waiting to go into labor with no more prenatal care and being at their mercy would likely kill me. The back-labor position, otherwise known as lithotomy, carries so many risk for a regular-risk mother (what do you think the leading cause of the common preineal tearing is?), and perineal tearing would destroy my j-pouch, which isn't repairable, and would kill me, and if I got them to finally do a c-section after this (I've never heard of an ER doctor going right to a c-section because a mother demanded it), then there are the risk that a doctr who knows NOTHING about me cutting into my intestine. It's gray rather than the usual pink, and so full of scar tissue, also grey, that it would take a GI specialistist to even try to tell the difference (with Stanford, a full team was going to be present to lessen the risk of cutting to my intestine), and cutting into the wrong thing would also kill me. I can't be repaired anymore.

So going the ER-route is out.

An unassisted home birth is another option. But I've never delivered human babies. I've delivered baby animals many times in my life, and there have been minor complications a couple times I was able to head off and keep anything from becoming an issue. Human babies...are different. Plus delivering on myself, where I wouldn't be in a position to do anything should something go wrong, wouldn't be good. Between ER and this, this is the option.

If we could afford a midwife, that would be excellent. The lowest cost we've found is $4,500 with paymet due by the time of delivery. This is more money than we can come up with. So no midwife for us. So this isn't an option.

The last is our least-desired option, but would be the safest. And that would be adoption. How on earth can adoption be safest? Well, the adoptive couple would be responsible for medical bills. So I would have the lowest chance of dying, and Charlotte would have the lowest chance of anything happening to her by something happening to me. I don't know though if I could let someone take my baby from me without me trying to kill them.

I'll bet the schadenfreude-freaks who stalk me are needing new underwear right now, enjoying the pain and sadness I'm going through, and you people are sick. Go tell your parents and families and all your friends how fummy you think this is, and I'll bet they'll look at you like you are pond scum. But you don't have the guts to be your cruel, fuckwad internet selves in real life, and you're lying if you claim otherwise.

I'm within the legal timeframe still for abortion. I've been told I'd feel different about abortion if I was ever in the position of my life being threatened. Well, I'm in that position, and guess what. Abortion is still wrong. This baby responds to different things. I drink something cold, or smack my belly to wake her up or try to get her to move, and she moves. How the hell am I supposed to believe she wouldn't feel her own death by dismemberment? I'm not going to rip her apart to save my own life anymore than I'd throw an infant to a pit bull to be torn apart for my life.

But maybe if I'm lucky and show up at Planned Parenthood crying, they'll help. I've supported that place financialy when I've been able, even if they're disgusting for killing babies. I've given them money for the babies they actually help.


  1. I am so sorry all of this is happening. I know there really isn't anything I can say that will bring you comfort/peace. I really hope you don't choose abortion, you really have too much invested emotionally...and as for adoption, I think if I were you I would rather risk delivery and death to myself than abortion or adoption, but that's just me. On the medi-cal end, would this be considered a 'pre existing condition'? I'd hate for them to fuck you like that. Also, could you deny cody the father and get on medi-cal but, have a power of attorney drawn up that would give him or someone you trust POA on what you want as far as your health and child go? I've been wracking my brain trying to think of any possible solution for you. I'll keep thinking

  2. I think you should go to a Medical office and explain the situation. If Cody is no longer employed, he won't have income, so that should be a moot point. You should qualify at that point. I would highly recommend an appointment. Delivering without proper medical care is extremely risky, particularly for someone in your situation. I wish you lots of luck and hope you figure things out quickly.

  3. Which Nicole is this? I know a few.

    Karol Ann, ABORTION is NOT an option. Oh hell no. I'm willing to die. I don't want to, but refuse to kill this baby!!

    Maybe if I reapply in that window of Cody not having a job I could get on Medi-Cal. I don't know if he'll get one lined up in the next week, but if he doesn't he should have a few unemployed days at least that might help. Sad that not having a job and not contributing taxes is what it take to get help in this goddamned state. Have a job ad contribute and it's a giant fuck-you from the system that's supposed to be there to help.

  4. If I recall correctly, vaginal birth would be pretty dangerous for you, right?

    Can Cody keep his current job for a few months longer, perhaps finding a small temporary apartment in the area? You've still got a few months before birth; might he be able to get a transfer in that time?

  5. just checking on you...i've noticed you haven't done any weekly tummy updates, hope all is well.


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