Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Death

I think anyone who knows me knows I'm pro-life. My brand of pro-life includes not killing even convicted murderers. I got a Push notification on my iPhone from AP that John Allen Muhammad has been executed. I've been trying to ignore this happening, especially today of all days. Yes, the DC sniper did absolutely awful stuff, but I have a hard time with someone ding by the hands of another, not matter what. Lock the fucker up in jail for life, just don't kill. It accomplishes nothing.

And today of all days? It's six years to the day that my dad died. I've been trying to not think about this because it's traumatic. I still, even half a dozen years later. No one should ever have to see a suicide and feel that kind of panic. I've moved on I think as much as someone can, but there's still a lot about it I'm still dealing with, still a lot of anger and sadness and confusion.

The Saturday before it happened, my dad told me why he was feeling so bad, though there was no way of knowing what was going to happen, and it had to do not with any one person but rather with wishing things could all go back to the way they were when I was younger. It's hard having a kid on the cusp of death, and feeling just like so many things about life are falling apart and can never be fixed. I'm not going to get into the details as it would probably be like pointing fingers, and I'm not going to do that. No one pushed him, it was just awful circumstances all around. And it tore my family into a dozen pieces that only now are slowly starting to come back together.

I miss my family so much sometimes, and wish for holidays like the ones we used to have with the big dining table set so festive, and the great living room (aka doll room) with its large tree and very old ornaments at the top out of the reach of younger hands and my aunt Beth playing "Do You Hear What I Hear." A Thanksgiving tradition was the youngest person in the house started the record, the old vinyl, of The Harry Simeone Chorale's The Little Drummer Boy after dinner to officially kick off the Christmas season. That stuff was always a lot of fun.

Maybe I'll get to see them again someday. One aunt lives pretty local, but it always so busy. Busy time for business law.

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