Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Bad day :( I'm the worst mom ever too.

You know that quick blindness you get when you stand up too fast and get light-headed, how things go dark, then clear right back up? I was emptying the dishwasher (I'm actually glad our new place doesn't have one - dishwashers make me lazy whereas hand-washing happens right away, so thing stay neater) and stood up and my left eye, only my left eye, did that, but I wasn't light-headed. And the darkness didn't clear up for a while. So I spent half my day half-blind, and it distracted me. Then my vision came back. Perfect timing...

Just as vision was returning, I noticed Charlotte flailing her right arm on the bed beside me, in a semi-distressed fashion. I saw an iPhone cable (same color as the sheets beneath her) on her neck and went to pull it off and it was AROUND her neck!! Cables are never allowed near her unless it's something like I'm holding her and the computer is propped on my knees plugged in. And yet one ended up around her neck. I don't know how the cable got on the bed near her, but it did, and I was the one home, so I nearly killed her. So I'm extremely upset still and will be beating myself up probably forever. Thankfully it wasn't tight at all, but that doesn't matter. It was there. Period.

We got her social security card in the mail today too. It's funny that her name is long enough to not fit on one line. So now we have her birth certificate and her social security card. I have two birth certificates with different names on them. I don't know which is the truly valid one. Only one is actually signed by my mom and the doctor. The other has the signature part typed in. So who knows. I wonder if that has something to do with why I was denied twice for a passport. One of these days I'll head to Sacramento and get it figured out presuming I don't go insane for accidentally killing my baby. :(

She is so precious to me, and it's excruciating being away from her for more than a few minutes. I've been away from her once for a little over three hours, while waiting for my wisdom teeth to come out, once for an hour and a half or so when I went to get Cody's prescription filled after his tonsillectomy (Charlotte was frantic while I was gone), and otherwise, she took a bath with her daddy a couple times, and he's held her while I drew baths to take with her, and I've quickly showered alone to wash my hair, and I checked the mail once. Aside from these times, I've been right by her every moment of her life. She's laying against my chest right now the computer on my lap.

We worked too hard and hoped so much for her that I can't stand the thought of letting any time go by without her. I'm okay with her in her bouncer while I'm doing stuff since I can see her and she can see me and knows I'm there. Already I feel like each day is a day lost that I can't get back, another day older. She'll be seven whole weeks old in 48 more hours.

Something she does that's just adorable, aside from everything (she looks so proud of herself when she poos and so surprised when she spits up that the looks on her face make those times cute too) is, sometimes when she's nursing, she'll stop, look at me, pull back a little bit, and give me a great big gummy grin. Then she'll put her mouth back on Le Boob, but still be smiling. Well she can't quite get any suction when her mouth is open smiling, so it looks very much like her face is saying, "This? It's mine. Not yours. And this is the proof it's mine, Woman!"

What I hate are the three times she's cried and I couldn't figure out what was wrong. She'll be fed, clean, dry diaper, no hairs wrapped around her fingers, not cold or hot, nothing that can be figured out. But she'll cry and cry and have tears in her eyes and I feel like I'm failing her because she depends on us, but more on me since I'm home with her and nurse her, and I can't figure out what's wrong. Babies don't cry to be annoying little manipulative shits the way older kids sometimes do. They cry because something's wrong, they hurt or feel uncomfortable or something. And I don't want her to feel hurt or uncomfortable.

When she's older she'll benefit from experiencing not always having her own way, or from knowing what discomfort is (it's easier to appreciate having things and comfort when knowing what the opposite is like), but she's too little to understand that. All she knows is that Mommy's not making it better. I want her to trust that I can, and will, but how can she learn that when she has times when I can't? It's heartbreaking knowing I'm failing her at those times and teaching her she can't always trust me, and then I hate myself, though I've never hated myself more than when I realized that the cable was wrapped around her neck.

I can't imagine not having this little sweet pea, this little booger. Something would be missing. She's everything.

2 comments:

  1. maybe she's just got gas those times she cries and you can't figure out why. Or maybe she just wants to be held, who knows!

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  2. You are a great mother.

    I second the gas idea, unless you checked for it and forgot to mention it. When Margaret was that age, she often got gas and it would take some time for us to figure it out and burp her.

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