Sunday, January 10, 2010

Entertaining myself

So Charlotte's sleeping on my tummy, so I can't do much. I don't really want to move her. It's really not that much time that she's small enough to sleep like this on me. So what better way to spend the day than a combination of sleeping (I got two dry sockets, and it hurts to close my mouth, hurts to open my mouth, etc.) and bs'ing around on youtube. I discovered someone named Sandra Lee!

What the hell is this? Sandra Lee, just because you're related somehow to Sarah Lee, or something like that, doesn't mean you can make anything. Corn nuts and pumpkin seeds don't go on an angel food cake! Yeah those "acorns" are corn nuts.

I am embarrassed for both Sandra and Mario Lopez here. Sandra claims she's done this cake for weddings and all kinds of events. She claims that this method "makes a $40-cake look like a $500-cake." It...looks like someone threw together whatever was around. You'd have to PAY ME $500 to even have this cake in the same building as my wedding reception. I can't tell if Mario is really impressed, or if he's only pretending to be because how do you tell someone that the cake is hideous? "Priceless" is right. There is no price you can put on this cake that anyone would pay.

She starts off here with an interesting idea, but her "attention to detail," something she's mentioned n almost every one of the several videos I've wasted time watching today, is, well, how do I say it...butt-ugly and awful.

Sloppy job, Sandra. Your grandma Lorraine might have put icing at the bottom of a tin, but she probably did it neatly.

This s the trashiest "wedding" cake I've ever seen.


If you have a cooking show, you better know how to do more than start with pre-made cake and frosting! The closest she got to making anything was a box mix and pre-made frosting. Nothing you can do with that stuff will make it taste homemade.

Here are a few cakes, well, a cake and a giant brownie with a felonious amount of weed, that I made from scratch. Better than the crap that that "professional" above makes.

This is said-brownie. Three layers of milk chocolate brownie with dark chocolate icing between the layers and on top, dusted with Ghirardeli cocoa powder, drizzled with caramel and then the pecans.

This cake, if I recall correctly, had seven layers, raspberry preserves between the layers and on top, dark chocolate cake and icing, hand-etched scrolly design, fresh raspberry and mint leaves, sliced almonds.

Then I made it again, but a couple fewer layers and in milk chocolate.

Actually the first time I made this cake was for my brother's 21st birthday, December 31st, 2003. That one was eight layers. It was monstrously huge, and that was okay, what with a bunch of boys booze, and bowling happening that night.


  1. Your cakes look yummy Aria! Isn't it lovely when your baby sleeps on you? They just look so cosy and happy.

    I think that you should dob Sandra Lee into Cakewrecks!

    She features bad cakes every day, which photographic evidence and a funny write up. Do it!

  2. Thanks you. :) They were very yummy. One day I'll make versions with orange marmalade and strawberry and blueberry preserves.

    It thrills me to no end to nap with my little girl. Sometimes she'll nap beside me on her side facing me cuddled up to Boob with a tiny arm slung over Boob and her face against it, so peaceful. I'm still in disbelief!

    Cakewrecks is where I found out about Sandra Lee. :) I spent a ton of time there overnight last night when I was unable to sleep.

  3. Okay we NEED the recipes for those! Well, at least for the ingredients that are easily obtainable :) The one with the raspberries and mint leaves is so pretty...I'd have a hard time cutting into it. And OMG that "brownie" looks delicious...I practically need a glass of milk just LOOKING at it!

    As for the dry sockets: ow. I had those and they suck. LOTS of salt water, no drinking through straws or smoking (not that you probably do any of THAT but no sucking on lollipops, fingers with papercuts etc. either because the sucking is bad for the sockets; disturbs the healing or something) and don't be surprised if you end up having to have them syringed out...which if you do? Pump some milk for the baby and take a Vicodin about twenty minutes before you get in the chair because they don't give you anything for that and OWWWW motherF*CKER that hurts! Here's hoping yours heal right up and don't get infected because that's SO gross...


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