Thursday, January 14, 2010

One of those anxiety days

I haven't been so successful at distracting myself today from an anxiety attack. I'm still feeling it pretty bad. Often I try to ignore them, but a not usually so successful.

What they feel like for me is the world is closing in and collapsing around me, like I'm in a room with the walls and ceiling all coming closer to crush me and nothing good will ever happen again. It's hard, physically, to breathe, and all I want to do is curl up into a ball in a corner and cry. I don't feel safe during these attacks. I feel like he world is going to take away anything that means anything to me, and then crush me to death. When it gets severe enough, I start having seizures, but at least they're not grand mals, and I usually have cues that they're coming on. The seizures last from minutes to an hour or more. Only one has been life-threatening. That one was in 2005, and I stopped breathing and had to go to the ER via ambulance.

Sometimes this lasts a day, sometimes a few days, and it happens anywhere from once a week to once a month, and it makes me feel so weak and powerless and ashamed at not being able to handle even minor things. Therapy hasn't helped. Medication hasn't helped. The only thing I've found since this has started is Cody and/or the dogs being with me. Even if I'm not aware, though sometimes I am, just a soothing voice or the dogs laying next to me help pull me out of them. If caught early enough, then Cody holding me or the dogs cuddling next to me can sometimes relax me enough to stop it.

This is part of why I really prefer not to travel, or to have a place to "escape" when I do. Last April, when we came down here to visit I had an attack bad enough that we had to stay an extra day (and Cody's dad awesomely bought our plane tickets for the next day). I feel safest in a dark room that's quiet when this happens.

It's really a miserable feeling, and can be debilitating at times.

Today, when this was happening while Cody was at work, it helped when Charlotte looked up at me with big ol' baby grins and bright blue eyes. I don't doubt that yet another move is probably contributing to my anxiety right now. It would probably help a lot to move stuff ahead of the 1st in stages. We've got access to the house right now, and I'd like to head over there Saturday to paint Charlotte's room (not like we'll be putting her in there for a while!). Just small baby-steps.

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