Sunday, February 14, 2010

God dammit!

Will my mother ever SHUT THE FUCK UP!! Now she's texting me. She called day before yesterday and yesterday too see how Charlotte was doing before starting to yell at me for "not caring" about when she was homeless, and then texted me a few minutes ago pissed that I didn't take care of her last year. Really, what the flying fuck was she expecting us to do?! Ever since my dad died, I'd done all I could to take care of her, get her bills paid, her rent, making sure she had food, even when it meant skipping my own bills or skipping groceries for myself. A couple times management at one of the Archstones I lived at was nice enough to let me be a couple weeks late on rent because her own apartment manager wasn't going to let her be late again. It took until February of last year to finally say NO MORE, after we were nearly evicted using our rent to get HER moved to keep a roof over HER head. How dare she insist I have never taken care of her!! I've nearly ended up homeless again and have literally gone hungry so she wouldn't have to!! I can't believe she genuinely thinks I should have been sheltering and feeding her last year when I was pregnant and we didn't have enough for even just me at times.

She is so selfish!! Until she got sick with this tumor, it was all her fault she was going through hell instead of living a life of luxury. Give her any money and she'd drink it away.

I do NOT believe alcoholism is a disease - show me the physical proof, the cells that have mutated, the body attacking itself, or something. Calling it a disease gives alcoholics reason to say, "It's not my fault," and to shun responsibility, and so why bother trying to go to therapy or AA if it's something beyond their control. If you don't drink to excess, you won't become an alcoholic. Drink a single drink a night, and you won't become an alcoholic Drink all the time, and you will. I'm pretty sick and tired of every vice being called a disease rather than telling people to be responsible for themselves and their actions.

Mom would use this as justification for buying alcohol. "I have a disease. I need alcohol." She did this for five goddamned years.

After getting her into a house while we were crammed into a really tiny apartment, she went off and caused some massive fights with her housemate, and it was then that finally I'd had enough of paying for her.

What's insulting too is that neither time I was homeless did she lift a finger to help me, yet she expects me to keep supporting her financially. The first time I was homeless was her fault. I'd been out of the hospital three days, a stay during which I was comatose for weeks, was rushed into the ER on an emergency basis more than once, etc.. She had vodka, then started in on me for not dong the laundry. I couldn't even shower on my own yet! So she kicked me out. Didn't give me a chance to get any clothes. I had the clothes on my back and grabbed my backpack and Yoda while on the way out the door, and she told me if I didn't leave, she was calling the cops, phone in her hand. I tried calling a few hours later from a phone at the high school down the road, and she said if I called again, she was going to call the cops for harassment. I ended up in the ER twice during that time, and still she wouldn't budge An ex-employer of mine found out and took me in. Word got back to mom about that, and then she finally consented to me being back in the house, but only because she didn't want someone else to look better than her.

And yet she expects me to have gotten her another place to live after all we did do for her, all the money I spent over the years, all the money Cody and I spent together after getting together, after paying her rent at her old apartment and moving her to a house, complete with paying the deposit and rent for a while, risking our own housing for her.

She's claiming Steve, the meth addict who's hit her and took advantage of her, makes her feel alive again like Dad did. Oh hell no. She did NOT compare MY dad to an abusive druggie.... I can't believe she could mean that.

She will never meet Charlotte. I will not allow my daughter around the type of person Mom and Dad years ago struggled to get me and my brother away from. I will NOT willingly walk my daughter right into the center of drugs and violence, right into a place where I'd be constantly worried about someone harming her, or at least fantasizing about it.

Really, she could die right now for all I care. She's doing nothing but trying to drag me down again, and I'm not going to have it.

I need to go find a way to cheer up. Maybe a long hot shower and some spaghetti, and then back to working on getting my sewing room in order.

4 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry you're going through this and everything you have in the past. I really hope your mom will straighten out and see that you have your own child to take care of and you dont want/can't take her as a child as well.

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  2. I didn't want to say what you just did for fear someone or you would freak out but I also feel that addicts choose to be that way and that it is not a "diease". Calling it that pisses me off greatly because I had no choice in becoming a type 1 diabetic at 9yo but drunks and druggies do have a choice.I really wish you could change your phone number to not have to deal with this.It's not good to be so upset all of the time by something you are powerless to do anything about.

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  3. Karol Ann, at this point, she'll never straighten out. When she hit rock bottom, she realized what she'd done. Now that she got disability, she's fallen into the victim mentality. It was all MY fault her life every went downward because I "never did anything to help [her]." Children shouldn't have to be a parent to a parent because of that parent's choices. Old age, horrific accident, etc., sure, I can see that. But she's making these choices.

    Christina, I agree so much. I was diagnosed with colitis at 12 an went through medical hell. I didn't choose colitis, you didn't choose diabetes, and no amount of will power or anything can make these things go away. To lump something like alcoholism in with these things is insulting to what we go through. But this is what we get when society has taken to the notion that anything someone chooses to do that is less than desirable must be the result of some disease or something. Bullies are now suffering from Asperger's, people who speak meanly to others are suffering from Tourette's (some forms of Tourette's result in uncontrollable swearing, but this is different from just wanting an excuse to be a prick). If an alcoholic never drank to excess to begin with that person wouldn't be an alcoholic. There is no physically observable cause or component to alcoholic like there is to a true disease. We couldn't have just not done something to begin with. Alcoholism is a mental addiction.

    I get the feeling that someone could argue that this "disease" is making work and self-sufficiency impossible, and get disability for it.

    If my cell weren't connected to my business, I'd change it in a heartbeat.

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  4. If you can't change your number, can you at least ignore/block all her attempts to contact you? I'm amazed such a woman dares to still call herself a mother.

    And I soooo agree with you that alcoholism isn't a "disease." That's just an excuse for being fucking stupid! Give me a break.

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