Wednesday, February 3, 2010

I hate my mom

Oh fuck it all to hell!

I got a call from my mom last night and returned it, but her voicemail was full. I got another call this morning and called her back. This time I reached her.

See, she knows these two guys in Winton. Richard's a decent guy whose done for her what he can even when she had nothing to give in return. Steve is a meth addict whose only had an interest in her when she has money or something he can take. When she got her tax refund from 2007 in December (she didn't file until November because she didn't realize she could get money back from making little enough in 2007), suddenly Steve's interested. So she left Richard's place, where she'd been allowed to stay for free because the guy cares about her (he damaged his relationship with his mom and sisters to stick by my mom), to move in with Steve, who turned around and charged her $300 for sleeping on the couch for 2 weeks (this is a town where rent on an entire house is about $500 per full month) and $300 for "her share" of food, though she bought her own food with food stamps. When she had nothing left, Steve kicked her out. Thing is, I told her to hold on to that money as if her life depended on it because people in Winton would try t take it from her. Look at what happened. I was right. She told me I was right.

Finally after multiple appeals, mom got approved for disability at about $1,400/mo (plus she has $200 in food stamps, making her downright rich on that area), including about $8,000 in back-money. She got her car out of impound (she was pretty mad I wouldn't send her the money a few weeks ago, even though she knew I could only get it by taking it from rent this month or by selling our car), and was starting to look for a place of her own. I was helping her search, but couldn't co-sign from 400 miles away. Truth be told even if I were closer, I'd come up with another excuse to not sign because I don't trust her with money, and the last place I cosigned on (and paid for myself, and paid to have her moved from the apartment she was being evicted from) she got kicked out of for the severity of her drinking and the fights she was causing. I wasn't willing to risk an eviction on my credit (again) for her. If she wants me to stay out of her finances, then I won't be put legally on the hook for her rent. But still it seemed like things were getting better. She was going to get a place, have her surgery done, then get back to work after recovery.

The last time we spoke was 2 days ago. Since then I've spent hours looking for more places for her to check out instead of spending that time with Cody and Charlotte.

Richard had been staying with his mom, an elderly lady, to help her out. He was kicked out that day for siding with my mom, and so went to a motel. She found a place, since we last spoke, as long as she could get a cosigner. Richard humbled himself to ask his friends to cosign, and one agreed. His son went down from Yuba, which isn't exactly close. He paid his way down and mom was going to pay his return fare for helping her move.

Then last night mom took off with Steve. To Tahoe. To get married. Steve found out about the money and is back now, claiming to "love" her.

She's livid that I'm not happy for her. Uh, this is something joyous? Eloping with a druggie who took advantage of her while another man who lives her and has done his best to take care of her was abandoned in a motel now with nowhere to go? For a freak who took advantage of her and kicked her out when he had all her money?!

She asked me if I wanted her to live the rest of her life alone, and I told her the truth, that I'd rather see her "alone" a little longer until she married a man who loved her instead of was just after money. She doesn't seem to understand that, by getting married, when she has her surgery the doctors will no longer be allowed to legally tell me anything nor will I be legally allowed to be involved in any decision-making. Steve doesn't know her medical history. Its dangerous trusting a stranger to make medical decisions for her. I think she's going to die if any decision shave to be made for her. Steve didn't even go see her any of the times she was in the hospital. Why would he go now?

She's convinced this guy is the only one who loves her now. She doesn't understand that, if he loved her, he wouldn't have kicked her out when she had nothing. He wouldn't have taken advantage of her. He wouldn't only be around now that she has money.

My dad loved her. When she had nothing and when her drunken antics cost his so much money in court and legal fees for her DUI, or any of the times she was 51/50'd by the cops at his expense, and when she wasn't bringing in a damned dime, he was there for her and took care of her. For fuck's sake, there were nights he'd call me at 2am upset over what was going on, but he loved her and was dedicated to her! That's love. For better OR FOR WORSE, IN SICKNESS and in health.

So why the fuck does she think this guy who ditched her when sick and kicked her our in worse will possibly be there now?

She started yelling at me not to give her relationship advice if I wasn't going to take any from her on my relationship with Cody. Why the fuck would I take relationship advice from someone who tramples on the guys who do everything they can for her (George, then Richard) to run to someone like Steve the moment he decides he wants her for something? Why the fuck would I take advice from her on my relationship that is a loving, caring, supportive, functional one with open communication? She thinks that, because she's older, she knows better. Someone older ALWAYS knows better than someone younger. Unless she's the younger one, in which case she still knows better. Apparently my relationship is a bad one beneath the surface and will fail because I don't wake her advice, won't even listen to it.

The last thing she said to me before her phone supposedly died was, "Aria, I want you to really think about this, and don't answer now. Over this last year when I was homeless, you told me I couldn't come live with you" End of phone call.

What Cody doesn't know is that I did ask her. I risked my relationship and asked her. "No, you need to take care of my grandbaby," she said, when I was still pregnant. When she finally started trying to get disability I didn't ask her, and did tell her at that time she needed to stay in Merced county because she had county health care coverage at that time, and if she moved here, she'd have to start all over, and it too months as it was to get MAPP coverage. She agreed that she couldn't leave until she got disability for the Medicare to have her surgery at Stanford.

I'm glad this is all true because, well, open the front door to this apartment and you can see the manager's office. They'd notice someone living here who isn't on the lease and we'd be evicted for an unauthorized person living here. Would things somehow be better in her eyes if I was homeless again too? With Cody and Charlotte in tow? I really thinks she thinks life isn't fair if the older one isn't doing better than the younger one, so how dare I have a home if she doesn't, or some shit like that.

Not to mention has she forgotten how tight money was in August? Did she forget money was so tight that we could barely eat and I was so seriously considering putting Charlotte up for adoption that I was in contact with adoption agencies? When adopting out a baby, the adoptive parents have an interest in the pregnancy being healthy, so will pay for food. I would have let her go so that she could be born healthy. Mercifully we got help so were able to keep her, but still. Money was that tight. How does she expect us to have had a way to bring her here and support her?

Is she thinking we should have begged her, like it would have been an honor to support her? Of course she would have been pissed if she got here and the liquor cabinet was locked up claiming we didn't trust her (we wouldn't have trusted her).

She seems to think that my bank account should be shared with her and that I should sell stuff if she needs money. When her car was impounded she was fine with me selling our car (leaving Cody no way to get to work, making US homeless) or selling my jewelry or shorting ourselves on rent for this month, which I didn't do. When she needs money and I've offered to send her some, she'll tell me I needed it, but here's an address and I'd still send her what I could (usually without telling Cody), then turn around and later claim I have never offered to help her.

My childhood was so wonderful (well, not the part about being sick). Parents who were beyond stable to the point of damned near perfect, parents who were there for me and my brother, the baseball games and camping and little "carnivals" for the neighbor kids and us (my parents were immensely popular for being the "cool" parents). Weekends at the grandparents' house, trips, A's games, etc.. I think this is part of what's hardest for me. My once-nearly-perfect family is shattered, and this one fragment does all she can to pull me down with her and tries making me feel guilty for any smidge of success that I don't share with her.

I've given her so much more help than anyone should. One of the reasons I've been in therapy is because of her. I've felt guilty thinking about how far she's fallen from when my dad was alive, and felt bad thinking she was feeling like she was all alone in the world. Well, if she thinks marrying Steve means she won't be alone anymore, then I can walk away. How long before she comes crawling back for help, before turning around claiming I've never helped in this world?



Update:

She called again screaming at me for telling Richard what I knew. Well of course I was going to. I'm tired of keeping her secrets and lying to people for her. I've done that enough over the last six years, and I'm tired of it. I let her know where her paperwork was going to be since Richard isn't going to continue carting it around for her. I don't blame him. He shouldn't be expected to store her stuff for her. So she yelled at me for being in a plan with Richard to get her back out there. Um, no, I simply relayed a message, and I do side with Richard on this. The last thing she yelled at me was, "Aria, I'm so disappointed in you, SO disappointed." Then she hung up.

Yeah well, I'm disappointed in you, Mom, only I had valid grounds. I've stood by you when everyone else told me not to. I let relationships with other relatives crumble to be there for you. I've given you chance after chance, hoping each time you meant it when you said you'd stopped drinking or doing whatever it was. Time and time again you've gone right back to the same ol' crap you were doing before, claiming no one was willing to help you, overlooking or ignoring the financial risks others have taken to help you. I've held forward-progress back in my own life to try helping you improve yours when you've fucked up yet again, even when I told you exactly what was about to happen. And I'm not picking up the pieces again. I'm not going to offer to help you, and I'm done sending you money without even telling Cody. I was wrong in lying-by-omission to him, and I did it for you, to help you, and this is what you do in return. My daughter and Cody come first. You are now an enemy to me and a threat to my life's forward progression. You're making your bed, and this time you can lie in it. You've been warned. Enjoy your consequences. We are over. I have no mother anymore.

1 comment:

  1. Oh my {hugs}....I'm so sorry you have this to deal with. Have you ever looked into one of the groups for relatives of alcoholics? My first husband was an alcoholic, it only lasted 3 years and it was really bad. It must be awful to get the same sort of treatment from your Mother. This is a toxic relationship for you as long as she is drinking. Alcohoics are the best liars in the world and will tell you whatever they need to to keep you as a co dependant who allows them to drink by sending money and rescuing them. That is where the swearing she won't drink again comes in. That is where the guilt comes in that she is trying to inflict on you. I'd imagine it is a good thing you were nowhere near her when she found out that you were truthful with one of her other co dependants,Richard. What you have to understand is that this isn't really your Mom, it is the shell of her and it is the alcoholism talking.

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