Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Who would have thought?

I let mom come back after her 5150 in the psych ward weekend before this last because I didn't want her to have nowhere to stay when she got out. She did better for a while. As in a few days. Then she started bitching at me for everything under the sun again.

If I picked up some fabric to sew, I was neglecting Charlotte, how dare I sew if Charlotte's awake. If I sew when Charlotte's napping, how dare I not spend time with her instead! And no, sewing and talking at the same time doesn't count. Then she said I was lying about having a business at all since I wouldn't take her to my store. Um, Tron is just a movie. Also I had to postpone an in-person fitting for a wedding gown because Mom was too off her rocker and argumentative. She's been trying to sabotage me because she doesn't think Cody and I really need the money I make sewing. She doesn't believe we are really as paycheck-to-paycheck as I say we are. She doesn't think paying for her meds out of pocket are really that expensive. A dozen of them ranging from heart to pancreatic to psych meds, some that are only available as namebrands are damned expensive!!

If I went to the bathroom without Charlotte, how dare I not have her in there with me! If I did, what was wrong with me for not wanting privacy? Yeah, I couldn't even go to the bathroom right. Until about midnight last night, I hadn't been able to take a shower for a full week because she bitched at me if I was in the bathroom longer than a minute. Since she stays up later than even I do, staying up late didn't help.

Yesterday she got an e-mail from social security asking for a third party to fill out a form about her abilities. I wasn't comfortable writing things like she had to be bathed and her hair washed for her, and she had to be spoon-fed. I understand she wants to sound like a complete invalid because social security really should have approved her by now, but I told her I was willing to anyway. She got mad that I wouldn't joyfully do it for her to help her "for once." So she threatened to go back to Winton, to where Cody and I dropped all to go rescue her a few weeks ago.

Get this- she is. She's going right back to her husband's place, though he's been in jail twice for domestic violence against her and the restraining order is through 2013. She also called the guy who beat her up a few weeks ago for the money. Then she got pissed at me for...I don't even know. And went for a walk, said she was going to be gone an hour, but was gone for several hours last night. So I managed to take a shower, but hurried up in case she got home and starte bitching at me.

Among other things, she banned me from checking e-mail, from Facebook, etc.. If I as much as picked up the computer in her presence, she bitched at me. I managed to sneak a few minutes online to post the wedding wrap-up I started weeks ago and she caught me and yelled at me. She also ordered me to ignore my friends because she "needed" my time more than they did. I'm several days behind in e-mails. I dread to see what I've missed, and will likely procrastinate on checking e-mail for another day or two.

Today she started in on everything from how Cody and his mom are afraid of me and think I'm a leach, and Cody wants to leave me but is afraid to tell me. Also my best friends are afraid of me but are too scared to tell me. Needless to say, those who know she's said this about them so far are livid. She also threw in my face how I still battle with having an eating disorder, still have to use a ton of willpower not to starve myself or throw up everything. She also claims that she is the one raising Charlotte and I neglect Charlotte and Charlotte should be taken away from me.

She also said that I have never helped her, ever! She said all I've ever done is take-take-take from her. Uh, what is there to take? We've been giving everything my little family has to give. Without question! From taking her clothing shopping to buying her cigarettes. No question. Just jump to do what she said is what we did. She made me so mad I started yelling at her to just shut up!! Shut up shut up shut up!! For the first time ever I threw something in anger, and that was a dictionary on the floor. There was so much yelling that Charlotte was standing inside my bedroom door, back pressed against the wall, hands over hear ears, crying.

She followed me around the house and into my room and wouldn't leave me alone and accused me of being on meth, crack, heroin (I'm so terrified of needles in skin that it's amazing I sew, I'm that scared, and even Cody had to give me the IVF shots, so the thought of me shooting heroin is laughable), PCP, etc., and said she was going to call social services on me for it, yelling at me while I was holding Charlotte, but that point so scared and confused that the grandma who was so nice to her was suddenly so evil, that she was just staring. I told her to get the fuck out, and she wouldn't. She said I'd have to call 911 and my love is conditional if I made her leave. I see it different. After a point, it's enabling, and we've given her so much already without asking for anything in return. So I called 911. Cody got home while I was on the phone and I had him take Charlotte to the back yard to get here away from what was going on.

Cops came out, including one of the cops who was here last time. Since we've let her get mail here, she's established residency, so they can't make her leave. But she called Richard, who is supposed to send her some money. The police are encouraging a restraining order, which I want to get if I can get to the courthouse. They left before she did, but told me to call back if she gets worse at all and they'd haul her in. I think they were getting angry with her double-talk too.

Anyway she took MY suitcase and packed it though wouldn't let me see what was in it. I didn't even realize until she went to the door with it and I wanted to see what she had in it to make sure she didn't pack anything of mine. She grabbed my favorite socks then yelled at Cody to call 911 on me and said I was lucky I was holding Charlotte, but then dared me to lay a finger on her and told me I'm dead to her. Fine. I don't care. She's dead to me too.

Cody and I have gone through so much for her for the last couple years. We moved her at our expense when she was being evicted, and she blew that. We've sent her money time and time again and never questioned because I felt bad she was washing with dog shampoo and not eating. We've brought her to out home several times in just the last five months. We've given her two cell phones that both ended up stolen within days at a loss of a few hundred to us each time (and she's mad I didn't get her a third one, though we literally have no money right now because we've been supporting her and getting her anything she asked for).

I feel close to a mental breakdown myself. I feel awful that I actually forced her to walk out the door with nowhere to go tonight, but you know what? She did it to me, nine years ago. I had been out of the hospital just three days, and she was made I didn't fold a basket of laundry. My family might remember that hospital stay. Six weeks comatose, blood oxygen down around 60 percent (that's brain-damage level, and yeah, my brain unfortunately can't handle as much as it used to), my leg muscles atrophied from being on my back so long, hole in my small intestine that was draining into my abdomen unchecked, severe toxemia, my heart constantly on the verge of failing.... I wasn't expected to be more than a vegetable after it was over, and somehow lived and am relatively okay. Yet three days after getting out, she kicked me out over a load of laundry, and I was homeless for a couple weeks until an ex-employer of mine found out, tracked me down, and had me move in with her. In that two weeks, I had two abscesses that resulted in ambulance rides to the ER.

So I shouldn't feel bad. Too bad I'm a better person than that. Or maybe a weaker one. At this point, I don't know. I just feel like crying and screaming and throwing stuff and starving myself and screaming some more. I've tried so fucking hard for so fucking long and am so fucking exhausted, and it was all for nothing.

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