Thursday, October 13, 2011

Depression is setting in, really bad depression.

We applied for a home loan and were denied for not having established credit. We did the responsible thing by never living outside our means, and it bit us in the ass.

So then we decided to see if we could finance an inexpensive motorhome with 35% down, and...we need established credit.

We can't rent because of the shit with Archstone I'm still dealing with (if I was in California, I'd sue, but I'm not, and we can't afford for me to travel, even though I can prove there were no damages, and Achstone's own website helps me prove my case).

And the RVs we can afford to pay in full for have all been crap. We're not looking for pretty, but reliable and structurally sound. But we're not finding either. The one we saw yesterday wouldn't even start.

This hotel we're in is the lowest priced in the area. Not many hotels allow starts part four weeks. We're in one where many of the people here have been here longer than we have been. It's not half bad, but expensive still, more than twice the cost of rent, plus everything we have is in storage for another $250 a month. I'm really wishing right now that I have a couple more of my dress forms with me, especially since I'm working on an order right now that's larger than the form I have with me. Can't afford to buy another right now, but I could really use my size large one (over the years, I've accumulated all sizes from child to petite adult to plus size adult and everything in between except men).

I'm angry that money's so tight that a trip to Goodwill makes me feel like there's a weight on my chest (they were woefully low on jeans in my size, like none - tall jeans are hard to find at all, even harder in smaller sizes). I'm angry that we can't spare $20 for me to buy some fabric I'm dying for to make into a warm skirt. I'm angry that my jeans are getting holes. I'm angry that we're worried about food and never have more than a few days' worth because if we buy more than two or three days' worth at a time, we go ballistic and eat a lot. I'm angry that it looks like Charlotte will be spending her birthday and Christmas cramped in a hotel. I'm angry that Cody's and my first wedding anniversary won't get to be anything special, nor will our birthdays. I'm angry that it's no longer a big deal to say that we're homeless. I'm angry that we don't have any place to call home. I'm angry that we've done it all "right" and are willing to scrimp and sacrifice, and have been doing so, and all we have to show for it is nothing at all.

We're burning through our savings just trying to meet basic expenses here, and dress orders have become vital. At this rate, we can get by for maybe another three months, and I don't know what we'll do after that.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

A rally, Steve, and a busy schedule

On Thursday, I took Charlotte to Occupy Portland. She's been to more protests, rallies, and demonstrations than most adults I know, and she's only 22 months old! We want her to stand up for what she believes in, and the best way to teach her that is to stand up for what we believe in and set an example.

Of course the media, controlled by big corporations, tried to make the participants seem like a bunch of masked hooligans out to cause destruction and claimed Portland residents should be on their guard and concerned about us all out there. There were a lot of pictures posted of the same small group of people who had bandanas on their faces (people afraid their bosses would recognize and fire them), and the media did a damned good job of making some of my friends fearful for Charlotte's and my safety for being out there. Media propaganda, nothing more. There has been no crime, no property damage, and it will not be tolerated.

In fact, on the news tonight the broadcasters expressed shock that for the Portland Marathon the rally participants helped set up and clean up afterward, helping to make this year's relay one of the best ever.

Well yeah, these participants aren't hoodlums. They're good people frustrated about the lack of jobs and government help for those who are disabled and unable to find work while refusing to close the loopholes enabling the top 1% to pay a much smaller percentage in income taxes as the average American (see Warren't Buffett's "Stopp coddling the rich" open letter).

It's funny how the super-rich like to say that those on the bottom-most income rung shouldn't complain because they're not paying any taxes at all. Well it's not exactly an privilege to be on that bottom rung scrimping and depriving oneself all the time just to scrape by. Almost anyone on that rung would gladly trade places with the billionaires and pay 50% in income taxes while having enough left over to never ever every have to budget for anything and to always have the best of everything. I have a family friend who usually writes a check every April for more than Cody and I make in a year, and he's said he's fortunate enough to make so much money that his tax bill is that high and that he won't complain when he knows many others would give anything to be in his shoes. And he's right.

Anyway here are a few pictures from the rally:

After this, we went to the Apple store where Cody works and where people were leaving flowers and notes to Steve. The outfit wasn't coincidental. Steve was famous for always wearing a black turtleneck and jeans. I was also wearing the same thing.

This month's sewing schedule is insane. I am finishing a Lord of the Rings gown for a wedding, I have a rush order for a Wendy Darling gown, I have Charlotte's Tangled/Rapunzel costume (she's obsessed), and a Heath Ledger Joker costume for my brother (who has even been growing his hair out for quite a while to get the right look).

We're also meeting with a lender to see if there's any chance we might qualify for a home loan and, if not, what we need to do to improve our chances of qualifying at some point in the hopefully-not-too-distant future. Paying a mortgage would cost much less than we're paying to stay in a hotel, plus we wouldn't have to deal with storage fees.

So. Busy. Busy busy busy.

I accidentally broke Charlotte's finger :(

Literally. Two nights ago I was closing the bathroom door and she was behind me, and then she suddenly stuck her hand in between the door and the jam...the side with the hinges. It happened so fast I didn't have time to process her having moved. Suddenly there was a sickening crunch as the door closed and her fingers were in the door. I'm feeling nauseated remembering it. She started screaming and I opened the door, quick as a flash. She was shaking and her left ring finger knuckle was crushed only about 1/8" thick. I couldn't think if I should run to the front desk and have them call 911 or if I should grab my phone, which I though would be faster, and which I did, and called 911 and kept screaming to get an ambulance there. I didn't know where the ER was, and was scared to death that her knuckle was shattered. I don't care that an ambulance seems like an overreaction, but I didn't know where to go, and wasn't going to waste time figuring it out while shaking myself (not safe for someone freaking out to be driving), and knew she needed to see a doctor to make sure it wasn't a shattered or separated joint. In the end, it finger bone at the tip of her finger is fractured and she's going to lose the finger nail. I know accidents happen, but I felt like shit, and still do, like a very bad mommy for not making sure she was far from the door, or for not closing it slowly.

Since then, I'm terrified to close doors unless I'm holding her or she's on the other side of the room. She's able to use the finger, though it's a bit sensitive to pressure.

I'll just make this its own post so I can forget it now.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Rest in peace, Steve Jobs

“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life ... have the courage to follow your heart and intuition." - Steve Jobs

Without Steve, my husband (an Apple Genius) and I wouldn't have our daughter. This news is crushing. It's just heartbreaking. I think anything I could say would come off as insincere because I admire him so much that I'd wax on about how great he is. Was. This is just horrid news.

The official announcement on Apple's website