Sunday, July 15, 2012

Mother, read this

I refuse to deal with your delusional and emotional abuse and thinking the world owes you something.  You don't get to turn gifts that were given in thanks for the financial help I've given over the years into a loan and then into not even that when it suits you.  It doesn't work that way.  Over the years I've given I don't even know how many thousands at this point in addition to putting my life on hold and moving you whenever you go off and get evicted, trying to keep a roof over your head even when it meant moving you in with me, multiples times in a year, and giving you chances repeatedly even after I have to call the cops on you for getting violent and threatening to kill me, and then repeating the threat in front go the cops resulting in you being put on a psychiatric hold.  My family ran out the door so fast when you got in trouble, even when I told you you needed to get out of Richard's house, that we even left our breakfast on the couch.  We didn't spare a few seconds to clean up before rushing to your rescue.  We even got you a cell phone on our credit, which you took to Winton with you and let Richard run up charges on.  We're out several hundred dollars for that alone and are still paying on your line, though we've had it shut off.  And we're out the phone as well.

You like to say Dad's the one who kicked me out days after I got out of the hospital, but it was you, and you kicked me out for being "lazy" for not folding laundry three days after getting out of the hospital.  You might remember how I nearly died and was in the ICU for a while and by the time you kicked me out, I was only walking again for about a week.  Dad wasn't even home.  You did it, and when I asked to wait for Dad to get home, YOU said no.

Everyone knows you were whoring yourself out for alcohol.  Dad carefully watched the bank accounts and credit cards, and no money was missing, yet every week there were reliably more than a dozen bottles of fifths of vodka tossed out the window on the side of the house.  Do you think they magically disappeared?  You and the manager at the 7-11 were a bit too cozy.  Dad quietly accepted the burden of an adulterous wife because he didn't want to give up.  But he talked to me.  A lot.  Every day on his lunch break he'd call, when he'd get home he'd call, sometimes before going inside.  Quite often in the middle of the night, he's call.  He didn't know what to do about you and didn't want to quit.  He wanted you back the way you used to be.

You talked a lot of shit about me until he'd start to believe it, then feel guilty, and confess to me.  You fucked him up.  You tried driving a wedge between everyone you know trying to make us all trust you and only you.  You broke so many people apart.  You told me his family all wanted me aborted, which I found out was a LIE.  It never made sense why Grandma would have wanted me aborted if she was standing proudly in the hospital looking at me through the nursery window.  Yet you smack-talked me to try making him think I was a leach (from what I've been able to gather, he repeated this to his family), and he felt bad when he'd start believing it, and he told me, and apologized.  You smack-talked him too, claiming he wanted me aborted and never wanted me and claimed he beat the shit out of me as a toddler because I cried.  You made me believe for the longest time that he abused me.

He couldn't take it, and finally killed himself.  And you turned to me to pick up the pieces.  Do you really think that $10,000 in life insurance paid your $1,300/mo rent for two years until you had to move out and into that apartment?  For fuck's sake, I was living behind buildings sleeping wherever I was reasonably covered, yet the money I earned went to taking care of YOU (the homeless one had a legit job, and the one with a house with a nursing degree wouldn't work!) until I finally got a roommate and moved into an apartment.  And even then, I still paid for you.  When you got evicted from your apartment, my husband and I paid for you to move, set you up with food and a cell phone on our tab (only the first time we did this), and you bitched that you weren't in your very own apartment in the Bay Area.

I've put you first for far too long.  I've put you first even when it hurt me, even when it meant remaining homeless myself to keep you in your own 3-bedroom house, even when it meant my husband and me nearly getting evicted, when it meant taking my daughter to a dangerous place to once again rescue you.  Since my teen years, YOU came first because you made me feel obligated for not aborting the baby Dad and his family all wanted aborted (only they didn't really, you just lied).

When you got your DUI when I was just 18, I could have left you in jail, but I took on the legal responsibility for you, putting myself at risk if you didn't do what you were supposed to do.  I covered for your ass when you did bad shit.

When you used my ID, I accepted it instead of turning you in.  When you somehow got bills of yours from the county put in my name so it took our tax refund, I sighed and did nothing because I don't want to know what you did in my name that our tax refund was intercepted.  I hope to the gods you didn't break the law in my name.  I wish I could change my social security number since I'm not comfortable with you having that, knowing how dishonest you are and how you'll let others take the fall and lose the respect of their family and friends.  You threw me under the bus more than once and I covered for you because I felt more loyalty to you than to anyone else, even myself, because you made me feel I owed it to you because you made me believe all my life you were the only one who wanted me born.

Yet you're trying to say I owe you and that I'm gong to regret it and you're going to take me down?  After how many TENS of thousands I've given you, even when I had no home?  Converting a gift into a loan and then claiming it wasn't even a loan?  For all I've done for you is the reason you gave me a part of the money you got, saying it was as a thank you and to help us get some stability for Charlotte when we lost our home last year, after using how much money just the prior six months on trying to keep you sheltered and moving you hundreds of miles whenever you wanted to move?  You offered me all the money you got, confident a lot more was coming, and I said no.  The few thousand I finally accepted is nothing compared to what I've given you, even when I had nothing to spare.  Even when I was sleeping behind buildings, I was using what money I had coming in to keep YOU in a 3-bedroom house that you lived in by yourself and wouldn't let me live in.

And then you topped it off by telling me you were going to call the cops and tell them we're abusing our daughter so she'll be taken away and be given to you if we didn't immediately give you $1,000.  You are so hateful and spiteful that you were willing to rip a toddler's life apart.  You were willing to use her as a pawn to hurt us if we didn't pay you to not hurt her.  How heartless can you possibly be? You'd have to learn to love others just to work your way up to heartless.  One of the most evil things someone can do is to try to hurt a child to hurt the parents.  You were willing to try getting her taken away and taken to a town where you know as well as I do that she would be hurt by the druggies you hang out with.  You know as well as I do that Richard and his asshole friends would molest her or worse, and you were willing to try it just to hurt me.  That is what sealed your fate and permanently killed you out of my life.

You are a sick, disgusting person and a liar.  How many people now have you claimed have stolen from you, beaten you, and raped you?  Just about every person you know you've claimed has stolen from you, whether it's money, lottery tickets, clothes, whatever.  How many of my boyfriends have you claimed raped you?  Every single one of them.  How many other men have you claimed raped you?  At least a few dozen, just that you've told me about.  How many men have you claimed have hit you?  Do I even want to count, considering you claimed your husband and son beat on you, and called 9-1-1 telling the cops I was beating you while I was on 9-1-1 since you'd threatened to kill me?  How many times have you claimed to be on your deathbed, tearing me emotionally to shreds resulting in me rushing from everything I was doing to go be by your side?  I had friends thinking I was personally making it up for sympathy since it was happening so often, but it was always when you told me you had this cancer or that, and I always believed you.  You always lied.

Your expectation that we sell our little home to give you back what you gifted to us specifically as a thank you, or to give you our home, and be homeless ourselves, is not only not reasonable, but it's not going to happen.  You are selfish and evil and an awful person.  My family comes first now, and you aren't a part of it.  You are nothing.  You are dead to me.

Contact from you is not wanted.  Any contact is harassment.  No one connected to me wants you contacting them.  I do not care to know you anymore, I do not care if you die under a bridge alone and hurting.  I don't care if you cry.  You've hurt far too many people, and I refuse to be yanked around or controlled anymore.  You've made me cry more times that I could possibly count, and I am done with you.  I only want to know you're dead so I can know I don't have to worry about you harassing those I love.

Because of your behavior, you will never see my daughter grow up.  You are not her grandmother.  She has one grandmother and three great-grandmothers.  Her grandmother is her dad's mom, and her great-grandmothers are her dad's mom's mom, step-dad's mom, and my dad's mom.  You are nothing.  You are not her family and she is not yours.  You have lost out.  This is the last you will see her.  She is happy not knowing you.  She is happy with her one grandma and three great-grandmothers.  She doesn't need you, won't know you, and doesn't want you.  You are dead to us, and we are getting on with our lives.

Good bye.

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